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My Reasons to Believe…

I have so many reasons why I believe the way I do.
God has done great things for me.
I should say actually, God has done AMAZING things for me!
I was a young woman who didn’t believe that she was worth it.  Didn’t believe anyone would ever really love her. In my heart I believed that girls weren’t worth it and it would be better to be a boy.
I partied too much.  I was the one who everyone watched because she was sure to do something daring and stupid.  I didn’t care.  I didn’t care if I lived or died.  I did more drugs than anyone else, drank more alcohol, talked more loudly and perversely.
I figured if I did those kinds of things people would like me.  It was a sick and twisted way to gain attention and friends.  Even negative attention was better than no attention in my mind.  The friends I had then were not real friends, I learned the hard way.  Some people must learn things that way.  I certainly did!!
I had a son by a man I settled for. He gave me attention, took me places and did things with me.  We broke up when I got pregnant.  A year later, I met a man who became my husband.  I still didn’t believe I had value or that he could REALLY love me.  We spent the next 10 years fighting.  He wouldn’t divorce me and I had babies who I could love anyways so who cared right?!! He didn’t beat me, but I would have to say truthfully that we abused each other in other ways.  We had our good days and seasons truth be told.
It was a rough marriage and soon I wanted out. 5 kids and I want out.
I have believed in God all my life.  I can’t remember ever not.  There were seasons where I didn’t think about it, or ignored God, but I always, deep inside, believed that there was a God.  I knew from my visits with my grandparents to Holy Hill that God could heal if He wanted to, but we never saw it for my Grandpa. I still knew that He could heal people.  The evidence was there before me in the walls of the hall on the way to the chapel.  They were lined with crutches, braces, canes and the like from people who had come there and were healed.
I started to talk to God about my issues.  I started to pray and seek Him.  I didn’t understand it much, but I knew that I knew that I knew that God was real and in my seeking, He began to let me find Him.
I really didn’t understand it and in fact, I was following a devotion that was very much NOT about seeking God as I understood Him.  But where there were references to things I didn’t understand, I put in God.  It made more sense to me.
Weirdly enough, God honored my searching.  I was still struggling with so many self- image issues, a husband who didn’t know how to really communicate, and also worked all the time.  Add to that mix, 5 kids, soon to be 6, who were sick a lot, and several “extras” who I took care of mostly full-time.
It was a mess really. I was a mess really.
But God.  I soon started to see prayers answered- even when I really didn’t verbalize them.  I just thought about them in a sort of inner conversation I would have with God.  Why not? There wasn’t anyone else that I could really talk to about these things!  Not openly and honestly that’s for sure!!
Finally, I came to a point where I knelt down in my room and I prayed.  I said, “God you have got to fix this because I can’t do this anymore.  I give this marriage to you- either you fix it or I am out of here! I trust you with this.  I believe you can do this.”
It started there.  Things weren’t immediately different, but slowly I started to see some startling changes.  We started going to a new church.  We were united on that decision.  I saw God answer my “inner conversation” prayers.  I saw other things that I knew could only be God.
At our new church, I found people who believed that God could heal and saw people healed in miraculous ways!  I began to find and make friendships that I could really trust and we helped each other heal.  I had a group of friends that we both loved and felt true love in return.  I could share my pains and hurts with them and they with me, and we could gain our healing.
We received our own physical healings in our children.  1 child had asthmatic symptoms that God totally healed him from.  Other times, we had flu’s or colds that God healed.  We learned how to pray for others to be healed and we learned to pray God’s Word over our situations.1959638_10203146105271613_1576714104_n
Jump ahead 15 years now, and God has healed our marriage, we just celebrated 25 years together!  He has healed our finances.  He has brought me freedom from all those things that I believed about myself that caused me such deep pain. I can actually say that I like myself!!  Those friends I met are not near me all the time now, some have moved far away, others have just moved on, a dear few are still near by and we still enjoy each others company.  The ones that have moved away, I can still call or visit, and its like we have never been separated!  We just pick up where we left off.
God has done and continues to do great things in my life and in the lives of my family.  I give Him all the praise and Glory!
Thanks be to God!


2 thoughts on “My Reasons to Believe…

  1. Your blog is beautiful and your story is powerful. I love the picture in the header and the picture with the verse from Solomon. I’m glad you “Let go and Let God.”


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