Good Lord I am tired…Tired of drama. Tired of issues. Just plain tired.
I am glad we are out of the church that caused us more drama and trauma.. I am glad we were able to go to a retreat where we could get some healing. I am glad we have friends and family around us who are willing to help and direct us to more healing.
Tired. Just tired.
And I don’t know why.
We know that Hubby is tired because of Lyme’s. We know that Son #6 was tired because of Mono. We know that Vicki is tired because of no apparent reason.
Hubby has lyme’s. Lyme’s…. Ugh. Now a lifelong commitment to healing and managing his health.
I am just tired.
Tired of drama. Tired of babies dying for no apparent reason. Tired of husbands being sick. Tired of cars being broken. Tired of houses and household stuff breaking. Tired of pets dying. Tired of chickens and rabbits and gardens and life.. Tired of the DNR trying to tell us that a problem that is not even on our land is our problem and we have to pay literally MILLIONS of dollars to fix it and pay a lawyer THOUSANDS of dollars to fight it.
I am tired of waiting for the stillborn baby to be delivered. I don’t know what to think about it all. And I am mad and sad and heartbroken and devastated and angry and…..
I have tried to be there for them both but I guess I can’t do that right either. They are adults and they have to go through this all. There isn’t anything I can do about any of it but be there for him when he cries. And pray they break up.
Like I could do that. Its not up to me to pray for things like that. But I can pray that he comes to Jesus through this. He does know and has been baptized…. But like all of our kids as a result of staying at a broken church and failing at my own faith he is not following Christ.
I wish I could turn back time and go back and fix it all. Most of it I can’t do anything about but some of the most important things I could.
I would go to a different church.
I would get good solid teaching about the Word of God that both me and my kids could get excited about and follow.
I would get good solid teaching about teaching my kids the right way to go because I sure don’t know it. I would find a place where they could fit in and get good solid lessons on how to walk this life in a good godly way.
I feel like I have failed in so many areas.
If I could give myself a grade in my own faith walk it would be an F minus.
I don’t know that I believe any of it at all, but yet…
I know God is speaking to me. He has through His word and songs that run through my head all day long. It has been uncanny.
Like one night, I was stuck and didn’t know what to do…. I cried out to God and prayed and tried to get a word from him from the Word and was getting nowhere. I finally picked up my phone to answer a text I had gotten before all this started and pretty quickly God answered my prayers through my friend. She was able to help me see what I could not see on my own and God gave her words to say that ministered right to my broken heart. I was able to read the passage and get “fed” by His Word that just caused my broken heart to heal just a little bit more.
Other days, I have woken up with songs stuck in my head. I didn’t really think much of it because I often have songs stuck in my head. Then I started to pay attention to the exact words of the songs and found that they were there for a reason. It fit to what I needed that day. Truly uncanny….
Yes, God has spoken to me through His word and a devotional I have been reading. But today…
Today just stinks.
I am finding myself wallowing in tired. In despair. In heartache…. In the reality that is living with a long term diagnoses like Lyme’s disease. In the reality that is sorting through the emotions of a stillborn baby that is my grandchild. In the reality of all that has happened in the past year that has led up to this point. In the reality that is my life right now..
And I am tired…..
Sorry… But I have nothing uplifting at this point… Maybe tomorrow.
I am going to go soak in the hot tub with my kids… And wait for the next storm to pass.