I have learned a game of Hide and Seek that I never really thought I would be playing. Its a game that is a little difficult to explain fully. But once you start, it is really difficult to quit for good.
See, I learned a game of Hide and Seek that you play with God.
Did you know you can play Hide and Seek with God??
I didn’t. But once I started seeking, I found Him hiding and waiting for me to find Him. How funny is that?? I didn’t get it really, for a long time. I thought that was just what happened. I didn’t realize I was playing a really fun game with him, until it was too late. I was totally sucked in.
And I didn’t WANT to quit playing!
I was having a really hard time. I was in, what I understand now to be, an abusive relationship. Not physically, but rather verbally and emotionally. Abuse takes many forms and ours was verbal and emotional. When you seek to control a person by playing with their emotions, that is abuse. Words can cut and wound deeply, that is verbal abuse. I didn’t understand that it was abusive and that I needed to stop it. I was codependent, and well, just lived with it because I believed several lies.
These are some of the things I now know we dealt with in our marriage.
- Psychological abuse makes you feel crazy.
- Intimidation takes the form of using looks and gestures to control your actions and reactions.
- Emotional abuse looks like you are the crazy one, your spouse plays mind games with you and you are unsure of what or even how to think. You feel bad about yourself anyways because your spouse has put you down or told you you are not good, and you have been or are, humiliated by your spouse.
We have since worked through our issues and are no longer in this cycle and I believe it is because I began to seek God. In fact, I KNOW it is.
I began to look for God to fix the mess I was in because I knew I couldn’t fix it. I had learned over the years that what I believed I could fix, I could not. I could manage it, I could manipulate it, but I could not fix it.
Here is the lie that I believed that I found in a list of lies that people who are codependent believe: If you stay you can save the batterer and help him/her get better. That is a lie. I could not fix anyone else, I am not capable. Only God can.
And God did.
1 Chronicles 28:9 “And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. (biblegateway.com)
Once I started seeking God to fix things, I was able to find Him. I found Him in the things I read. I found Him in a devotional that I had started to read. It was actually not directing people to God but rather a sort of inner goodness or your own god, but I believed in God so I was directed towards God.
Eventually, I began to understand that He loved me and that He wanted me to find Him. I hadn’t read the above verse until much later, but for know I understood that He WANTED me to find Him. I began to find Him in so many ways.
You see, God loves us and He wants us to find Him. I have since learned that He will be found by those who truly seek after Him. I was so excited when I first saw that verse and realized that He wanted me to find Him. I have all the spots marked in my Bible where these words are. I keep finding more- in fact, when I searched it in Biblegateway, I was surprised at how many references there were to this concept!
He WANTS us to seek Him. Not just because your in trouble, but if that gets you to look for Him, that’s ok too. He will reward your search! Trust me on that one and test it out for yourself.
If you find that you are in an abusive situation, please stop the cycle! Get counseling and if you have to, leave. Do not believe the lies that you can fix the situation. The only way to fix the situation is to stop the cycle. Stop playing the game and do what you know in your heart you need to do. You are not crazy.
If you are in an abusive situation, I welcome your comments and I will do what I can to encourage you and help you do what you need to do to get healthy.
Have you found God in your life? I would love to hear about it in the comments!